ENEMY

Companion Song: "Enemy" - Muscadine Bloodline

“And God said, “Love your enemy” and I obeyed him and loved myself.” Khalil Gibran

“Get out of your own way, do not be so rigid - just play; do not fret, give it over to God – just pray; you are not stuck, you do not have to stay”, they say. Don’t they know that some beasts and demons are not so easily slayed? Tell me, what does one do to no longer drift and stray? What does one do when they so desperately crave color, but all they see is gray? What a damn high price to pay, to live a life hijacked by dismay and delay.

Self-help books passionately preach that, “you must believe – believe and you will achieve; you must rewrite your personal narrative – a new story you must weave; alter how you perceive the world – not everyone is looking to deceive; open your heart, it is now safe to receive.” It all sounds great, an opportunity to manifest a clean slate; but what happens when my world is again rocked by fate? Fate has delivered so much strain; the pain has been so hard to contain; my sanity I barely maintain. I know I tend to project; at times I defensively deflect; all intimacy I recklessly reject; but it is all a desperate attempt to protect myself from all future regret. I yearn to be courageous and strong; but I am so scared of being wrong; so, my misery I purposely prolong. I know that it is complete madness to cling to one’s sadness. Yet, it is the only thing that feels right – fighting the darkness to find my light; I have accepted it as my perpetual plight. I am the caged bird that loves its cage yet longs to be free; I am the caged bird that pretends to be blind, knowing it can see; I am the caged bird that is acutely aware it is its own worst enemy.

Deep in my soul below, I know; I know fear is my greatest foe. Fear silently suffocates me in its shroud; fear casts an ominous dark cloud; fear tells me hope is not allowed; fear makes me too damn proud. Fear blocks me from sharing; fear prevents me from caring; fear locks me into endless cycles of comparing. Fear builds walls at the first detection of likely rejection; fear convinces me it’s for my protection. Fear tricks me into pretending – pretending like I know every ending. Fear shouts the enemy is outside, not within; fear refuses to let me begin; fear tells me I’ll never win. Fear screams you must be tough; fear revalidates I’ll never be enough; fear dares me to call its bluff.

Tell me - how does one love the very thing they hate; how does one lovingly integrate and embrace their own worst traits? These are the questions I wrestle with each night as I attempt to love myself with all my might. I often cry as I fearfully resurrect the hope I let die; I know only hope can transform me from my own worst enemy to an ardent ally.

The Poison Tree

William Blake

I was angry with my friend;

I told my wrath, my wrath did end.

I was angry with my foe;

I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I waterd it in fears,

Night & morning with my tears:

And I sunned it with smiles,

And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night.

Till it bore an apple bright.

And my foe beheld it shine,

And he knew that it was mine.

And into my garden stole,

When the night had veild the pole;

In the morning glad I see;

My foe outstretched beneath the tree.