LONGING

“We are all wandering the earth, alone, longing to be longed for.” William C. Hannan

On this quest to be my best, it has been nothing but test-after-test; my heart is so weary – it needs immediate rest. My God, how much is one girl expected to take? Seriously, I am about to break. I have passed your tests; I have grown; it is time for me to harvest the manifestations from the seeds of intention I have sown. Tell me God – when will I no longer be alone?

I have bravely charged into each battle with just me in the saddle. I have waged war because You promised this future fated love was worth fighting for. Yet, every victory feels like I am repeating history. It is always one step forward, two steps back; I am drowning in lack. I have done the required reflection; I deserve genuine, deep connection. What have I done to deserve this fate? Where the hell is my mate?

Damn, it felt so good to get that off my chest; I just have the same request. It is such a simple thing – this Queen just wants her King. I have never wavered nor strayed – each night I have prayed; yet his foretold arrival is continually delayed. God, each time my mind resists, you promise he exists – so I can continue to persist. But I must admit that at times I am plagued by doubt; perhaps he has chosen a different route. It would be my luck, with me at this standstill, that he circumvented fate and chose free will. I know I must steer myself away from this fear, but I cannot take another year without him here. The longing intensifies with each passing second of this wait – its acute ache is just too great. Where the hell is my mate?

Motivational speakers and gurus all sing the same song: to long is wrong; you must stay strong. If it is true love you crave, you must be brave, you must not cave. Yet, strength provides no actual buffer; in fact, feigned strength only makes me further suffer. What if the weak can only find what it is, I truly seek? Contrived strength is steeped in futility; perhaps my plight requires greater humility. This overthinking makes things so hazy; I swear I drive myself crazy. Lord, just tell me my fate; do not speak in riddles, I need exact dates. 

Perhaps my ask is too great of a task; but I am slowly suffocating behind this mask. I refuse to go another day, pretending that everything is okay. Lord, in all sincerity, I desperately need greater clarity. This longing I cannot tame, it fills me with so much shame; I know it is wrong to cast blame. But You are responsible for convincing me it was possible. Possible to be truly seen by a King that was divinely designed for me, his queen. Yet, it continues to be my fate to be suspended in this surreal state of wait. 

Lord, I am spent; It felt so good to just vent. The truth is, I can no longer let my pride repress the longing I feel deep inside. The only way for the longing to subside is to finally accept the longing I desperately try to hide.